I will not be writing fiction or much of anything else for the foreseeable future.
I know withdrawing from writing fiction at this time won’t make much of a difference in the scheme of things. My small group of readers haven’t read anything new from me for almost a year already. The last time I posted to this blog was in April. There are millions of fantastic books and short stories out there to keep everyone entertained forever. I have no illusions that anything new I might produce would be missed.
I’m not boycotting the writing world as some kind of call to action, nor do I think declaring an end to my fiction writing will result in some kind of change that will impact how people think. Between the pandemic and the arguments over masks, the lives lost and the massive economic hardships millions are facing, my imaginary characters, their lives, their issues … well, who gives a shit? Certainly not me.
Every single day I've felt guilt and insecurities because I can't do more than stare at the empty page. I wish I could fill it with my fear, frustration and the extreme anxiety that washes over me every time I consider what will happen to my country, to the world, if the same thing happens in November 2020 that happened in November 2016. If the politics aren’t enough, watching George Floyd die and the callous indifference on Chauvin’s face broke me. I didn’t think I could take one more story of police brutality and the wrongful deaths of innocents at the hands of people who simply didn’t care. Then there was Breonna Taylor and Elijah McClain and Venessa Guillen, a sister in arms whose murder inexcusably went unsolved for so long even when the killer was the most obvious person imaginable. If her murder had been a novel, readers would have excoriated the author for making the solution to the puzzle so damn obvious.
Why is it so hard for Americans to wear a damn mask? How could parents support a president who demands they send their children into virus riddled infection chambers? How do we allow news organizations to spread propaganda against Black Lives Matter as if this civil rights group is some sort of terrorist organization? How is it okay for the party of POTUS to put a mentally ill rapper on the ballot in a scheme to draw votes from his opponent? How do we allow our neighbors or, more importantly, our employees to scream the N word and call the police on people simply for walking down the street? How does anyone make excuses for people who stand on their front lawn and point weapons at people exercising their first amendment rights? Did that cop really think it made things better to help a 16 year-old girl sit up, after he made her and her sisters lay face down on the ground and put handcuffs on them? And even after people from around the world have expressed their anger, shock and horror over our handling of this pandemic, and indeed, ban Americans from visiting most countries around the world because of it, how can the architect of this disaster claim we are the envy of the world? Worse, how can his followers think this is all okay?
The horrific destruction left in the wake of the explosion in that Beirut warehouse seems almost representative of the collective pressure we are all facing. I’ve had enough.
Every single day my frustration and feelings of helplessness have grown in the face of all of this madness. At the same time my guilt over not being able to put words on a page multiplied exponentially. The horrific destruction left in the wake of the explosion in that Beirut warehouse seems almost representative of the collective pressure we are all facing. I’ve had enough.
I wish I could control the fear so many millions feel over their need for that extra $600 congress can’t come to an agreement on. I wish I could control the guilt some cops may be wrestling with as they start to understand the realities of the systematic racism they have unknowingly supported. I wish I could control the risk to health so many teachers will face. I wish I could control the gut-wrenching feelings low income, hardworking parents must be facing who know their children won’t get the homeschooling they need. I wish I could have control over how much further behind those low income kids will become. I wish I could control the hatred in the hearts of so many who become incensed, outraged and violent over a simple demand that no lives matter until Black, Brown and Native lives matter.
I know that many people share my frustration and feelings of helplessness in the face of all of this. By saying I'm not going to write anymore, I'm finally taking control of the one stone of guilt I can lift off my shoulders. Unlike COVID or federal troops on the streets or those who refuse to wear masks or the lunatic in the White House and all of the evil monsters who support him, this one thing, the guilt I feel over my inability to write, I can control. So I will.
M. L. Doyle has served in the U.S. Army at home and abroad for more than two decades as both a soldier and civilian. Mary is the author of The Desert Goddess series, an urban fantasy romp consisting of The Bonding Spell and The Bonding Blade. She has also penned The Master Sergeant Harper mystery series which has earned numerous awards including an IPPY, a Lyra Award and the Carrie McCray Literary Award. Mary is the co-author of two memoirs; A Promise Fulfilled; the story of a Wife and Mother, Soldier and General Officer (Jan. 201) and the memoir, I’m Still Standing: From Captive U.S. Soldier to Free Citizen—My Journey Home (Touchstone, 2010), which was nominated for an NAACP Image award. Mary's work has been published by The Goodman Project, The War Horse, The WWrite Blog and The Wrath-Bearing Tree, an online magazine for which she serves as a fiction editor. A Minneapolis, Minnesota native, Mary current lives in Baltimore. You can reach her at her website at mldoyleauthor.com.
20 comments on “What I Can Control”
My dear friend,
I hear what you're saying. Sometimes, life is so heavy that it feels meaningless to do anything, let alone write fiction. I'm struggling with my writing too, but I'm doing it because I still feel some modicum of enjoyment from seeing my words on a page. Maybe one day you will decide it's time to write again. Until then, please look after yourself.
eden
xox
Thanks Eden. I'm glad you are still finding joy in writing! That has not been the case for me. I will still be looking for your latest work!
Much love to you Mary. What you have written here is powerful enough. More of that spread far and wide world be great xx
Thanks Debs! XXoo
Mary,
I haven't been able to figure out exactly where my anxiety and non-focused blahs and even lack of an appetite were coming from. Yes, I have been incensed and disgusted by the news and exhausted by the daily assaults and ignorant statements and actions by the orange man. My husband, who feels as I do, doesn't understand where my anxiety is coming from either. My doctor has prescribed medication to help me sleep, but she seems to think this is something I'll just be able to come out of by doing this or that. But you have absolutely pinpointed it for me. My anxiety is coming from my lack of control over any of these things going on in our country. So I guess I'm going to have to do the same thing: take control of something in my life. Not sure what it will be or if it will help, but it's worth a try.
I'm glad something resonated with you! And so sorry you've felt the anxiety so many of us are feeling. It's no fun. Let me know what you decide to get control of.
I am sorry you're giving up writing, but I understand why. A person can withstand but so much, that if they don't do something to release, they will blow like the port in Beirut. I really do get it. I hope and pray you will get that spark back again; in the meantime,
I'd like to invite you to participate in women veterans forum/site. It is the Military Sisterhood Initiative - http://www.militarysisterhoodinitiative.org Please come and join us!!
Thanks. I will give it a look.
You have expressed my frustration, anger and fear so well. While I will actually miss your fiction, please keep writing about your life and feelings and the insanity and inhumanity in America right now. As someone who served our country, your love for the country and your frustration that we seem unable to live up to the ideals we profess are understandable and shared. We must stand together to make sure this nightmare ends on November 3. Many virtual hugs.
Very powerful, Mary. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I agree so much with what you've said. I have also had a hard time being creative with all this fear and anxiety. I hope one day you will continue writing because I love your stories. But take control over what you can and focus on taking care of yourself. We will find a way to get through this.
Thanks Cindy. Yes, we'll get through it, but there are costs.
I am sorry to read this. I can only imagine what you're going through.
I am sad to read this. I enjoy your writing.
And I look forward o the day that you can see your way to coming back to the writing world.
Thanks Scott, I know you watch what is happening in your neighboring country with concern. What it must all look like from Canada! When I start back on the writing road, I will let you know.
Mary
Your prose needs to be read. Thanks for this essay and for all you do for our country through your written words. Fiction has its place in our writing and for those right now who may be crafting dystopian-like novels with roots in these times, I say more power to them. But for those writing creative nonfiction, putting into prose their understanding of this treacherous time we are living through right now,I say thank you.
Write on,
Marla
Thanks Marla.
Hey,Mary, I hope that you remember me from Minneapolis. I think I saw your name in a "like" on a mutual friend's post, looked you up, and just read your rather disappointing post - disappointing because I didn't know you were writing, and have yet become familiar with your work, although that is bound to change. Looking forward to catching up, that is, if you remember me.
Hey Mary! I just read your last Blog post. It is fabulous. When you say you cannot write, I believe you are wrong. Please don't stop writing. There is a hero in there somewhere, I know it. You can find, create, and mold the world into anything you want. What would you like the world to be? I think you should continue to write, but write about what would what you would like to see in this world, and not what is. Just make it up!
Ha! Yes, well ... fiction writing IS making it up.
Mary, as one who has loved your fiction, I hope, at some point in the future you'll find your way back to it, BUT... I truly understand your frustration! You and I are not in the same boat but we ARE in the same storm and paddling as hard as we can through our own rough seas. I truly try to understand others' POV. I have an ongoing conversation with several friends and have learned a lot about their struggles. Some days, I just feel like giving up; others, I find something for which I'm truly grateful, Thanks to people like you, who have served to keep our country free, I have enough. I am enough.
Thanks Bonnie. We are on the same boat and who knows where it's going to run ashore. I know I will write again at some point. But now is not the time. Thanks for being a reader!