I have discovered that I go into a major writing slump right after I’ve finished a book.
I’ve got all kinds of ideas rolling around in my head, but I can’t seem to get them down on paper. This can go on for weeks after I’ve put a book to bed and it frustrates the hell out of me.
I can’t call it writer’s block, because I’m writing things. I’m just not writing anything that really matters and I’m not writing the projects I know I must and will write…eventually. It’s just that, right now, I’m having difficulty.
Which reminds me of a rant I recently read from a writer who will remain nameless. Okay, it was me, but pretend it was someone else who types like me.
So anyway, the below is a true story. Remember, this writer was extremely frustrated at the time this was written and, while we all know swear words are lazy when expressing anger in writing, they were all this writer could come up with at the time. So big warning…if swear words offend you, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.
If, on the other hand, you don’t mind the occasional swear word…or a whole bunch of them, then read on and let me know if any of these sentiments are things you can relate to.
Writing Rant, by nameless (Adult content!)
So this guy, *EXTRACTED* comes up to me the other day and asks me what I do when I run into writer’s block. I look at him like he’s crazy. He’s not a writer, has never written anything that he’s ever spoken of, and I’m wondering what the hell he’s talking about with writer’s block. How can you have writers block if you’ve never written anything? So I tell him to write like nobody’s reading it and stop editing in his head and just spew the words onto the paper.
He’s like…oh thanks! That’s great advice.
So today this motherf*%ker comes and says…oh, I took your advice and I wrote two chapters this weekend! I’m like, great. Glad to help. But he doesn’t stop there. He’s like, I can’t wait for you to read it!
I’m looking at this a$@hole and I’m thinking I’m not reading S&#T you wrote. You probably think you just wrote the world’s next masterf*%kingpiece and you just want me to reinforce what you’ve told yourself in your head. So I tell him, no. I try not to read work from people I know, especially people just starting out because I don’t know how they’ll take a critique and taking critiques takes practice. He’s like, really? Taking a critique takes PRACTICE?
And that’s when I know that, not only are these two f*%king chapters he thinks are the best f*%king chapters that anyone has ever written ever, these are the FIRST two f*%king chapters he’s ever written! He’s never written anything EHV VER! Because anyone who has EVER written anything worth reading would have had that work critiqued by someone somewhere, somehow! And if you HAVE ever received critique on your writing, you would KNOW that taking a critique isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
And I’m thinking I need to walk away from this ignorant gutless f*%ktard before I tell him what I really think.
Then this f*%ker says, I know, I know, it’s hard work and I don’t expect to make more than $1,000 a book. A thousand motherf*%king dollars A BOOK! And I’m thinking, not only is this motherf*%ker completely delusional about what he’s written, he’s already counting the f*%king MONEY he thinks his f*%king two motherf*%king chapters are going to earn him.
So, I feel myself getting wound up and I think don’t waste your time, Doyle. Take a deep breath. This is what they all think. They all think writing a book is the easiest thing you could ever do and all you have to do is write the story that’s rolling around in their heads and slap a cover on it and put it on Amazon and boom! The f*%king money will come rolling in. He’s not the only ignorant motherf*%ker to think this and he won’t be the last, but one thing is for DAMN sure. I’m not wasting a minute of my f*%king life reading his bulls&@t or listening to him talk about his f*%king book or what it’s about or how hard it is or how amazing the story is. F*%k him and his f*%king f*%ked up writing bulls&@t.
So I tell him to find a writing critique group and to run everything he’s written through several people who aren’t related to him. And you know what this motherf*%ker says? He says, well shouldn’t I be concerned about plagiarism?
I’m like, plagiarism? He’s like, the writing critique group will steal my idea! By this time, I want to smash is pale, sweaty, self-absorbed f*%king face in. He not only thinks what he’s written is the best masterpiece he’s ever read, the masterpiece he slaved like TWO HOURS over, he’s worried someone will STEAL his work of art, the work of art that will earn him a f*%king butt load of money because hey, he only expects to earn like one thousand dollars a book! Just one thousand dollars? That’s easy right, and what if the writing critique group STEALS his f*%king thousand dollars??? What about that, he asks me? And I just shake my head at this stupid motherf*%ker.
I say, no one’s going to steal your work you, d!#kless a$@wipe of a f*%k head. Well, I didn’t actually call him a d!#kless a$@wipe of a f*%khead but I sure wanted to. Maybe I still will if that motherf*%ker says one more word to me about his motherf*%king thousand dollar book! I want to just scream at him, check back with me when you’ve written like twenty five or thirty five f*%king chapters you slimebag of a jerkoff f*%ktard dickless scrotumface f*%k of a f*%king motherf*%ker!
There. Thanks for listening. I feel much better now.